勇敢生活：如何征服对生活的恐惧

fear of something bad happening in the future is one of the things that make us human.
animals might fear an immediate danger, that is happening right now, but only we fear something that might happen, that isn’t happening now, that isn’t even showing its ugly face at the moment.
this fear, some might say, is necessary … it stops us from doing something stupid. but i’ve found most of these fears to be unnecessary, to be baseless, to be holding us back from achieving something.
i recently asked my twitter friends: “what fear is holding you back?” their responses included:
* failure
* abandonment/rejection
* intimacy
* success
* being broke
* not being good enough

i think the last one — not being good enough — is actually at the root of all the others. we fear we’ll fail because we’re not good enough. we fear we’ll lose our relationships, that we’ll be abandoned, that we’ll be rejected … because we’re not good enough. we fear intimacy for the very same reason — we might get rejected because we’re not good enough. even the fear of success is based on the worry that we’re not good enough.
do you have this fear? that you’re not good enough? i have, for all my life, and i still have it today.
but here’s the thing: having the fear is natural. letting it stop you from going after your dreams is a tragedy.
i did this, for well over a decade of my adult life. i let the fear of not being good enough stop me from even trying, from even daring to dream.
it turned out that my fears were baseless. i am good enough. i’m not perfect, but who is?

when i was able to overcome this fear of not being good enough, this fear of failure and rejection, and put myself out there in the world, i succeeded. i found out that i was good enough.
and i still have this same fear — i still worry that i’m not good enough, that i’ll fail and flop on my face in front of 100,000 people … but i wouldn’t be human if i didn’t. even the most successful people — barack obama, steve jobs, paul mccartney, j.k. rowling, et al — they have this fear, even if they don’t show it. but they don’t let it hold them back.
how can you do this? let’s look into it.
“the greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” - sven goran eriksson
how to beat your fears
there is no step-by-step program to beating your fears, but here’s what i’ve learned, first-hand and from others.
1. first, acknowledge your fear. this is a huge first step. if you do just this today, you’ve done something great. many of us have these fears, but they are at the back of our mind, unnoticed, unacknowledged, as we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. but they are there. and they affect us, every day, all our lives. so acknowledge the fear.
2. write it down. what’s your fear? write it on a piece of paper. writing it down not only acknowledges that you have it — bringing it out into the light — but it externalizes the fear. it takes the fear from the dark lurking places in the back of your mind, where it has power over you, out into the light of day, outside of you, where you have power over the fear. take control over it by writing it down. it is now outside you. you can do something about it. i personally like to crumple it up and stomp on it, but you can do whatever you like. post it on your fridge as a reminder of your enemy.
3. feel the fear. you’ve acknowledged it, but you’re still afraid of it. you’re reluctant to even have this fear, perhaps even embarrassed about it. well, no more. recognize that you’re not alone, that we all have these fears, that we all think we might not be good enough. yes, even the amazing barack, the amazing jessica alba, the amazing al pacino. they have the same fears as you do. i sure do. repeat after me: there’s nothing wrong with having this fear. now allow yourself to feel it. experience it fully. bask in this fear. it isn’t as bad as you think. it’s a part of you, but it doesn’t control you. from djbarker on twitter: “feel the fear & do it anyway.”
4. ask yourself: what’s the worst thing that can happen? often it’s not as bad as we think. do you fear failing in a new career? what would happen if you did? you’d get another job. you’d move on. you’d live. do you fear being rejected by someone of the opposite sex? what would happen if you were? you’d lick your wounds, you’d find someone else who is more suited for you, you’d live. do you fear being broke? what would happen if you were? you’d cut back on your expenses, perhaps ask family or friends to help you out for a little bit. you’d find a way to make money. you’d live.
5. just do it. to repeat: feel the fear and do it anyway. to beat the fear, you have to just do it. see below for some tips on doing this, but what works for me is not thinking, just acting. like when you want to jump off a waterfalls into the pool below: don’t think about it. just jump! it’s an exhilarating feeling. i fear public speaking, but when i get up and just do it, i feel great. from jade craven on twitter: “i fear everything. i’ve recently decided to ignore my fears and just go for it! so many opportunities have come as a result.”
6. prepare yourself for battle. when you’re going to take on an adversary, you prepare yourself. you arm yourself, and have a battle plan, and train yourself. do this in your battle against your fear: arm yourself, have a battle plan, train yourself. if you want to be a musician but you fear failure … practice, practice, practice, then come up with a plan to succeed, then get all the skills and info you need to implement the plan, then practice some more. then go out and implement the plan!
7. be in the moment. fear of failure (and other similar fears) are fears of the future. we get caught up in worrying about what might happen. instead, banish all thoughts of the future. banish even thoughts of past mistakes and failures. now focus on right now. do something right now to beat your fears, to pursue your dreams, and forget about what might happen. just do it, now, in the moment. when you find yourself thinking about the past or future, bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment.
8. small steps. conquering fear and pursuing a life goal can be overwhelming, intimidating. so start small. just take one little baby step. something you know you can do. something you’re sure to succeed at. then feel good about that (see below) and take another small baby step. keep doing this, and soon you’ll have conquered a mountain.
9. celebrate every success! every single thing you do right, celebrate! even the smallest little thing. and use this feeling of success, of victory, to propel yourself forward and take the next step. bill gates describes a “spiral of success” that he used to build microsoft up from its early success of ms-dos, to its success with windows and word and excel and internet explorer and all that (i know, blech, but still). use this idea of a spiral of success in your life — build upon each success, use it as a stepping stone to the next victory.

“to conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” - bertrand russell


"每当我们逃避困难,就会增加对困难本身的恐惧"- cheri huber
对未来可能会发生的坏事产生恐惧是人性的一部分.
动物也许会害怕眼前发生的危险,但只有人才会恐惧那些也许将来会发生的事情,那些现在并没有发生,甚至还没有露出可怕面貌的事情.
这种恐惧,有人也许会说是必要的...因为它能阻止我们做傻事.但我发觉大部分这些对未知的恐惧是不必要而且没有基础的,是会阻碍我们实现目标的.
我最近在twitter上问我的朋友们:"对什么恐惧正让你止步不前?"他们的回复包括:
* 失败
* 被遗弃或被拒绝
* 亲昵感
* 成功
* 破产
* 自己可能不够好

我想最后一条 - 自己可能不够好 - 应该是其他所有恐惧的根源.我们害怕因为自己不够好而失败.害怕因为我们自己不够好而失去与某人的感情,那样就会被抛弃,被拒绝.因为同样的原因而害怕与人亲近 - 也许因为自己不够好而被别人拒绝. 甚至因为担心自己可能不够好而对成功也产生恐惧.
你有过这样的恐惧么?有过对自己的怀疑么? 我有,我的生活中一直都有这样的感觉,直到今天我还有这样的恐惧.
但事实上:恐惧感是与生俱来的.不幸的是恐惧感正是阻止你追求自己的梦想的最大障碍.
在过去10年里作为成年人的生活我一直是这样的.对"自己可能不够好"的恐惧感让我对追求梦想的尝试,甚至让我不敢奢望的去想起梦想.
但结果是我的恐惧是完全没有理由的.事实上我够好.我不是完美的人,但是谁又是完美的呢?

当我能战胜对"自己不够好"的恐惧,战胜对失败和被拒绝的恐惧之后,在自己的生活中,我成功了.我认识到我其实是足够好的.
虽然我还是怀有同样的恐惧的 - 我依旧会担心我是不是不够好,还会担心我会在千万人的面前丢尽面子...但如果没有这些就不能算是完整的人生了.就算是最成功的人们 - 奥巴马总统,史蒂夫.乔布斯,保罗.麦卡尼,j.k.罗琳,等等这样的人也会拥有同样的恐惧.但他们不会让恐惧成为阻碍.
你需要怎样做?让我们来深入研究一下.
"通向成功最大的阻碍就是对失败的恐惧" - sven goran eriksson
怎样战胜你的恐惧
其实没有那种按部就班的方法去对付恐惧,但这里有一些我从自己或者他人身上学到的经验:
1. 首先,承认你的恐惧. 这是最大的一步跨越.如果今天你能实现这一步,这就是卓越的进步.大多数人都拥有恐惧,只不过我们把它们置之脑后,让它们不被察觉,不被承认, 被我们忽略而假装这些恐惧并不存在.但他们确实在那儿.而且会在生命中的每一天影响我们.所以,你需要承认这些恐惧的存在.
2. 把你的恐惧写下来.什么使你恐惧?把它写在一张纸上.这样做能使你承认这些恐惧的存在 - 把它们摆在阳光之下 - 还能将恐惧赶出头脑之外.将头脑中阴暗角落里那些控制你的恐惧置于阳光之下,就能反过来让你有力量反过来控制恐惧.写下并主宰你的恐惧.现在就在面对它. 你可以对这些写在纸上的恐惧做出行动.我会将它们在手中蹂躏甚至踩在脚下,你也可以用其他的办法. 你甚至可以把它们贴在冰箱上时刻提醒你这些生活中的敌人.
3. 感受恐惧. 你已经承认你对这些事物的恐惧,但你还是会惧怕他们. 你不想拥有这些恐惧,也许甚至不想把他们复杂化. 你并不用害怕.只要理解并不只有你才有这样的恐惧,我们每个人都有,我们每个人都会怀疑自己做的不够好.这可以肯定,甚至是令人尊敬的奥巴马总统,完美的杰西卡. 奥尔芭,令人敬畏的阿尔.帕西诺. 他们都拥有和你一样的恐惧. 我也毫不列外. 请跟我重复这句话:恐惧并不是错误. 现在让自己去感受它.深入的体验它.将自己暴露在恐惧之中.它并不像你想像的那样糟糕.它是你生活的一部分,但他不能控制你.在twitter 上的朋友djbarker说:"感受恐惧并义无反顾的行动."
4. 问你自己:最坏的结果会是怎样?对事物的恐惧并没有我们想象的那样糟糕. 你会不会害怕在新工作中失败?如果你失败了将会怎样?你会换一个工作,会继续前行.你会活下去.你会不会害怕被某个异性拒绝?如果被拒绝了又会怎样?你会舔舐内心的伤口,会继续寻找更适合你的人,你也会活下去.你会不会害怕破产?如果破产了又会怎样?你会节衣缩食,也许会向你的家人朋友寻求一点帮助.你会找到挣钱的办法.但你依然会继续活下去.
5. 只管去做. 跟我一起重复这句话:感受恐惧并义无反顾的行动.要想打败恐惧,你必须要放手去做.对我来说最管用的方法不是思考,而是直接行动.就像站在瀑布上想要跳入下面的池水的时候:不要再犹豫了.直管放胆一跃!那是令人激动的感觉.我害怕在公开场合演讲,但当我站起身来直接上台后,我感觉好极了.twitter上的jade craven 说:"以前我惧怕所有事.但我决定现在不管他们直接行动.结果反而是无数机会出现我面前."
6. 为挑战做好准备.如果要挑战敌人,你会让自己做好准备.你会武装自己,制定计划,然后不断训练自己.同样为挑战恐惧做好准备:武装自己,制定计划,训练自己. 如果你想做一名音乐家但又害怕失败...练习,练习,在练习,然后为你的成功制定计划,努力获取一切实践计划所需的技能和信息,然后再做更多的练习.最后迈出步伐去实现你的计划吧!
7. 活在现在.对失败的恐惧(和其他相似的担忧)其实是对未来的恐惧.我们沉溺于担心那些将来也许根本就不会发生的事情.但其实应该做的,是排除对未来的担心.甚至排除对过去的错误和失败的思考.仅仅专注于现在.立刻为战胜你的恐惧而行动,为实现你的梦想而行动,忘记那些可能根本就不会发生的事情.只管去做,现在,就在此刻.当你担心将来的失败或者回忆起过去的失败经验的时候,把自己带回现在,专注于现在你正在实践的行动.
8. 小步前进. 征服自己的恐惧感和实现人生的目标可能是极其庞大的任务和巨大的压力.所以请从小事开始.只要迈出小小的一步.一件你知道自己可以完成的事.一件你肯定可以成功做到的事.为自己的成功而高兴然后再迈出一小步,也许很快你就会发现自己征服了一座人生的高山...
9. 庆祝每一个成就!哪怕是在小的成功.庆祝每一件你作对的事情! 运用这种成功和胜利的感觉,推动自己去实现下一个目标.比尔盖茨曾经描述过"成功的循环"就是关于他如何利用ms-dos的成功继而一步步实现了 windows,word,excel,和ie浏览器在市场上的巨大成功.在你的生活中借鉴这种成功的循环 - 让每次成功相互促进,成为你奠定胜利的基石.
"征服恐惧就是智慧的开始" - bertrand russell
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