爱：容忍他人对自己的羞辱 对彼此都是一种伤害

over the last few years, as i've grown spiritually, i've discovered that letting others hurt me, and excusing them, hurt them as well. my intentions were to make them feel better about themselves. i was trying to reflect the divinity within me by loving unconditionally. when my friends would snap at me, i'd tell myself they didn't mean it, that they were simply unhappy. returning anger and hatred with love and compassion, i let my friends treat me like dirt because i knew they were wounded. i wanted them to heal, and thought my loving them unconditionally would initiate the healing. it never did. it just encouraged them to remain wounded and lashing out at me.

in co-dependency terms, this is called "enabling." some time back, when i was told that it wasn't my role to be their whipping boy, i countered with "but, we're supposed to turn the other cheek. give the shirt off our backs. love unconditionally. be nonjudgmental." as time went on, i finally realized that i wasn't helping them by letting them hurt me. i was enabling them to remain the same, and continue treating me with disrespect because they knew they could.
i wasn't creating any urgency for them to heal. and sooner or later, they were going to get a cosmic two-by-four up side the head to force them to begin the healing process. the longer they continued their behavior, the worse their eventual crisis would be. i was actually contributing to their woundedness by not setting any limits. i needed to value myself enough to stop them devaluing me. as i began to cherish my well being, and counter their humiliations, my life began to improve overall.

i know i'm not alone in the struggle between loving others unconditionally and loving myself. many of the people i meet, and my clients, struggle with this, too. how can we balance our spirituality with insisting someone treat us with honor? with god as a loving presence, god accepts all that we do without judgement. as we try to emulate that aspect of god, we forget that god doesn't protect us from the consequences of our actions.
if we step on a rake, we get to experience the rake hitting us in the face. we learn from that to be careful around rakes. god doesn't stop the rake from hitting us, but if we ask for help in healing our bruised face, god is there to heal us. that is why there is cause and effect. for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. this is to help us learn from our mistakes.
the core of this is, god doesn't enable. the universe is constantly growing and expanding. unless we do the same, we get prodded along. cosmic two-by-fours whack us. when you allow people to put you down, humiliate you, belittle you, then you are contributing to making their inevitable consequences harder for them. universal laws will eventually pull them up short, and the more they've run roughshod over peoples' lives, the harder their lesson is going to be.

by setting boundaries, you are growing in love. love of self, and loving the other person enough to put a stop to their breaking universal laws of compassion. love them enough to allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. that's the only way any of us learn. in that way, you are emulating high spiritual qualities and reflecting the unconditionally loving divine presence within you.
原文链接：http://www.ddyingyu.com

过去几年里，随着心理的逐渐成熟，我发现，如果任由他人伤害自己，还替他们辩解，也会同样伤害他们。我原来是希望他们能够自己醒悟，因而努力以无条件的爱来表现内心尽善尽美的神意。当朋友怒气冲冲地指责我时，我会对自己说他们不是有意的，他们只是不开心。我以爱和同情心回报朋友的愤怒和怨恨，任由朋友们视我如草芥，因为我知道他们的心灵受到了伤害，我希望他们能痊愈。我认为自己赋予他们的无条件的爱能起到疗伤的作用，却从未奏效。他们的伤势依旧，而且因为受到鼓励更加无情地攻击我。

在互相依赖地情况下，这叫“赋能”。过去有段时间，只要有人对我说，做他们的替罪羊不是我的责任，我就反驳道，“可是，我们应该容忍，应该慷慨大方，应该无条件地爱，应该客观地评判。”随着时间的推移，我终于认识到，任由他们伤害自己，不是在帮助他们，而是在赋予他们一如既往，继续无礼地对待我的权力，因为他们知道对我无礼没关系。
我没有让他们意识到需要和解的急迫性。而他们迟早会分清是非，迫使自己开始设法和解。他们的这种行为持续的时间越长，最终的结果越危险。我没有阻止他们，实际上就是伤害了他们。我应该充分地尊重自己，以阻止他们继续贬低自己。于是，我开始珍惜自己的幸福，而且驳回他们的羞辱，从此我的生活得到了全面改善。
我知道，不只我自己在无条件地爱别人和爱自己之间举棋不定。我遇到的很多人，包括我的顾客，也为此而与自己的良心做着斗争。我们坚持让别人尊重自己，又如何平衡自己的心灵呢？上帝是爱的典范，他不加评判地接受我们所做的一切，而当我们努力效仿上帝的高姿态时，却忘了上帝对我们行动的后果并不负责任。

如果我们踩上一把耙子，就会得到耙子打在脸上的教训，由此懂得看到耙子要小心。上帝并不能阻止耙子打击我们，不过，如果我们在治疗受伤的脸时请求帮助，上帝会帮助我们。这就是有因有果的原因。对于任何行动，都会有相同或对立的反应，使我们得以从错误中吸取教训。
其精髓在于，上帝不允许。宇宙在不断地成长壮大。除非我们也随之成长壮大，不然就会受到激励。违背直觉就会受到沉重的打击。如果你允许人们奚落你，羞辱你，贬低你，那么，你就是在协助他们让不可避免的恶果带给他们更冷酷的打击。自然规律最终会令他们突然停下来，他们越无情地对待别人，自己得到的教训就越严重。
设定界线，你就会在爱中成长。爱自己，也爱他人，足以阻止他人打破同情的自然规律。爱他们足以让他们感受到自己的行为产生的后果。这是我们每个人接受教训的唯一的方式。这样一来，你提高了心理素质，也就反映出神圣临在你内心的无条件的爱。
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