致地球的公开信

first off, allow us to apologize for the abductions.
although it seemed like a good idea at the time, we recognize that too often you did not find the experience as satisfying as we did. we genuinely regret the way things got out of hand.
it started out as just something to do, an occasional way to blow off steam after a long day of observation. we tried not to break anybody, and we always put you back where we found you. frankly you aren't all that interesting, and we might soon have grown tired of the whole thing.
but we got such a kick out of your cute eyewitness accounts, what with the stories of our big dark eyes and little arms and all. you made us feel special, even if your tales were complete crap. the books, the movies, the t-shirts—we were like celebrities. and some of you took it all so seriously, with your conspiracy theories and everything. it was really quite a hoot.

then this guy whitley strieber came along, and he sort of took the joy out of it, you know? what a killjoy shitbag he is. today we abduct only nerdy guys who live alone in airstream trailers, primarily because they're nerds and, truth be told, we just like to mess with their heads.
many of you have written asking about crop circles, so let's set the record straight.
it ain't us. really, it's not. think about it. you people have trouble reaching your own moon, and even you have cell phones, satellite tv, and high-speed dsl.
we sail between stars at speeds you believe impossible—you think we have to knock down veggies in order to communicate?
and why do you always assume we land in rural areas? please. on a planet with new york, rio de janeiro, paris, and amsterdam, you figure we'd choose to hang out in roswell, new mexico? have any of you actually been there? (by the way, area 51 is a real hole. in the unlikely event we're ever in the neighborhood again, we're staying someplace else for sure.)

we would be remiss if we failed to mention the anal probing. for the longest time, we swear we thought those were data ports. we meant no harm, and hope that you will, like us, try to forget this unfortunate chapter in our history. in retrospect it was simply a bad idea.
now we don't want to be seen as whiners, but there are a few things we wish to discuss.
for one thing, we are troubled by the way we have been portrayed in the media. we represent an array of life whose richness and sheer scope would astound you. yet for the most part, on this planet we are typecast as either hairless dweebs with foreheads like watermelons, or else giant insects who want to eat you.
no offense, but this is especially hard to take from a backwater planet most beings have never heard of. (in fairness, this is not entirely true. earth is generally known for one thing: cottage cheese. seriously, nobody else ever thought of that. not even the loboölata, who are themselves dairy products.)

the very word “alien” is plagued by negative associations. according to our latest focus groups, the term conjures up images of 1) slimy, parasitic creatures who spring onto the faces of unsuspecting beings in order to plant their young inside, or 2) people picking cabbages. (apologies to the bulibians: slimy, parasitic creatures who actually do spring onto the faces of unsuspecting beings in order to plant their young inside.)
we've discussed this among ourselves, and we no longer wish to be called aliens. henceforth, we prefer to be called “chuck norris®.” please do not shorten, hyphenate, or alter this in any way. the plural form is the same, as in, “hey, there goes a chuck norris®. wait, there goes another one."
finally, some advice.
look, from where we sit, you're all the same. we appreciate that human beings come in slightly different models and colors, and to you these nearly imperceptible differences seem to cause no end of trouble. but honestly, we're astounded that you can even tell yourselves apart. in blind taste tests, in fact, the average chuck norris® cannot detect any difference whatsoever. so chill, people of earth, and try to get along.

while you're in a reflective mood, take a closer look at what you're doing to your planet. you are ruining it: depleting your natural resources, polluting your air, sickening your oceans, and destroying unique species forever. this is just plain wrong, not to mention completely irrational. everyone knows that the logical thing is to find somebody else's planet and ruin that. noobs. how can you possibly expect to survive in the coming interstellar economy?
by the way, we've elected you to come up with the new shared unit of galactic currency. just pick something small and ubiquitous, something of nominal value that you won't miss much. it's your call, but we suggest hamsters.
in closing, much of what you do befuddles us. many of your core concepts—such as guilt, selflessness, and david hasselhoff—simply have no counterparts in non-terran cultures. you're what galactic sociologists call “a bunch of strange ducks."

yet for reasons not entirely clear, we have developed a certain affection for you. we'd just as soon keep you around, if only for the entertainment value.
we're going away for a bit now, and when we return, we expect to find that you have made significant progress toward sitting at the adults’ table. this will, of course, mean fewer senseless military conflicts, less reality television, and no more sudoku.
don't make us come down there.


首先，请容许我们为绑架地球人而表达歉意。
尽管在绑架发生的当口，那瞧上去像是个好主意，但我们常常发现你们不像我们那样享受那种经历。我们情真意切地为失控的绑架致歉。
起初我们只是想找点乐子，就像是仔细观察一整天后的偶尔放松。我们不打算搅扰任何人，也一直将地球人放回到最初发现你们的地方。坦白说，你们地球人并不是那么有趣，我们或许不久后就会对整件事感到腻烦。

但是，从你们的那些可爱的目击者的证词里，我们找到了不少刺激，譬如说我们长着乌黑的大眼珠、细瘦的胳膊等等。你们让我们感觉自己挺特别，即便你们的那些传言纯属胡编乱造。写外星人的书、有外星人出场的电影、外星人t恤衫——弄得我们像名人一样。你们中的一些人还一本正经地研究我们，构思出各种阴谋论，或者之类的东西。真是太好玩了。
接着，就出现了惠特利·斯特里伯[1]这个扫兴的家伙，他几乎将原先的乐趣都弄没了，你知道不？他真是个煞风景的屎蛋。如今，我们只会绑架那些单身住在流线形设计的拖车里的宅男宅女，主要是因为他们够宅，而且说句实话，我们就喜欢耍弄那些家伙。
你们中有许多人都写信询问麦田怪圈的事情，那就让我在此解释清楚吧。
怪圈不是我们干的。真的，不是我们干的。请用心想想吧。你们地球人飞抵月球都困难重重，但即便如此，你们还是发明了手机、卫星电视和高速dsl[2]。

我们以你们认可不可能实现的速度飞行于群星间——可你们还认为我们需要为了联络用途而压下麦秆？
你们为什么还总是以为我们会在荒郊僻野着陆？请行行好吧。地球上有纽约、里约热内卢、巴黎和阿姆斯特丹这样的大城市，你们还认为我们会选择在新墨西哥州的罗斯威尔晃荡？你们中有多少人真的去过那个鸟不拉屎的地方？（顺便说一句，51号地区实际是一个大陷阱。就算我们要重访那一带，也会待在别的地点，以保安全。）
要是我们不提起肛门检查[3]的事，我们就是在推卸责任。长久以来，我们一直以为你们的屁眼是数据端口。我们无意伤害你们，所以希望你们会像我们一样，努力忘却双方交往史上的这一段令人遗憾的经历。回想起来，那根本就是一个坏点子。
我们不想在这里被你们看成是诉苦者，不过有几件事，我们希望可以讨论一下。

第一件事，我们被你们的媒体所描绘的外星人形象弄得心烦意乱。外星人的种类林林总总，多得会吓你一大跳。但是在这颗星球上，我们多半被描写成秃头的学究，额头鼓起，像西瓜一样；要不然就被说成是想要吃掉人类的巨型昆虫。
并无冒犯的意思，但在地球这个多数人都未听说过的荒僻地方，要接受这种事情格外困难。（公正地说，地球并非真的那么荒僻。地球通常是因为一样东西而为人所知：农家奶酪。正经地说，还没有别的人想到过这一点。就算洛博邋遢星人也没有，尽管他们自己就属于乳制品。）
“外星人”一词带有负面的涵义。根据我们最近进行的一项抽样调查，该词能唤起人类的以下联想：（1）黏糊糊的寄生生物，随时准备出人意料地跳到你脸上，将幼虫植入你的体内；或者（2）采摘甘蓝菜的人[4]。（向布利边人道歉：他们就是那种黏糊糊的寄生生物，随时准备出人意料地跳到人脸上，将幼虫植入他的体内。）

我们已经讨论过这件事，我们不希望再被人称为“外星人”。从今往后，我们更希望被称呼为“查克·诺里斯®”[5]。请勿缩写，也不要加连字符，或者进行任何形式的改动。复数形式也不能改动，要这样写，就如“嘿，那里走来一个查克·诺里斯®。等等，那里又走来一个。”
最后，我们要给你们几条建议。
从我们的角度来看，你们地球人长得同一副模样。我们分辨出地球人的体型和肤色有些微的差别，这些几乎无法察觉的差别看上去会引起无穷无尽的麻烦。但是坦白地说，我们对你们竟然可以彼此区分感到万分惊讶。实际上，在一次盲测里，发现查克·诺里斯®一般都无法察觉到地球人之间的任何不同。地球人真让人灰心，但我们还要努力与你们好好相处。
当你们有心情思考时，就好好地看下你们对地球犯下的罪孽。你们正在毁掉这颗星球：把自然资源消耗殆尽，污染空气，毁掉大海，将许多独特的物种永久地灭绝。这完全就是大错误，更是完全不合情理的。每个人都知道合乎逻辑的做法是找到别的种族居住的星球，然后把那颗星球毁掉。你们这群呆瓜。你们怎么可能指望在即将来临的星际经济时代幸免于难？

顺便说一句，我们已经推举出由你们来决定新的银河系货币单位。只要挑一种到处都能找到、外形小巧、票面价值不大会弄错的东西。决定权在你们身上，但我们建议你们选择仓鼠。
话快说到了尽头，你们的不少做为都让我们迷惑不解。你们的许多核心概念——譬如原罪、大公无私和大卫·哈塞尔霍夫[6]——在地球以外的文化里找不到相似的概念。你们就是银河系社会学者称为“一群特立独行的鸭子”的种族。
但是，因为一些尚未完全弄清的缘故，我们已经对你们产生了一丝感情。只要是为了娱乐的原因，我们很乐意将你们留在身边。
现在，我们将要离开一会儿，等到我们回来时，期待能见到你们已经取得了长足的进步，朝着成年的道路前进。当然，这也就意味着更少的无谓的军事冲突、更少的电视真人秀节目，当然还有更少的数独游戏。

甭让我们失望。
[1] 美国小说家，创作过很多外星人绑架地球人题材的小说，译林出版社曾出版过他的作品《明日之后》。
[2] 即digital subscriber line，数字用户线路，是以电话线为传输介质的传输技术组合。
[3] 许多自称遭到外星人绑架的人都声称，自己的肛门被外星人检查过。
[4] 在英语里，alien既可以表示“外星人”，也是“外国人”的意思；许多从美国南部边境偷渡到美国的墨西哥非法移民都从事农业工作，主要就是采摘甘蓝菜。因而见着alien这个单词有这样的联想。
[5] 美国动作片演员，空手道世界冠军，因在《猛龙过江》中与李小龙搏击而声名大噪。
[6] 美国演员，代表作有电视剧《霹雳游侠》和《海滩救护队》，曾被迪斯尼记录列为“全球被观看人数最多的电视明星”。
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