自爱和孤独：破解自负和傲慢 学会自爱、学会自我欣赏

自爱和自负的区别在那里？自爱的人爱上的是自己，而自负的人爱上的则是自己的影子。自负者的信心来自于不断的攀比，当孤独来临，无可对比时，自负者的傲慢的外壳将被碾得粉碎。只有真正懂得爱自己的人，才能从容地面对孤独。
love and aloneness - unravelling the ego and pride
there is a most bizarre word the media and the psychologists have begun to use to describe loneliness in our societies: they say it has become an epidemic. an epidemic! a description normally reserved for extremely prevalent and widespread diseases – that is what this state of mind has become.

and the statistics back it up. a third of the citizens of many civilized countries admit to suffering from extreme loneliness. and the impact on our physical health - one study reported that isolated men were 25% more likely to die than those in a relationship, and the women 33% more likely.
why is loneliness so painful? there are many reasons – but there is one in particular i’m starting to notice. loneliness is a curse because we don’t know who we are - and that is our basic anxiety. when you are alone, all your self knowledge, your identity, your personality - your ego begins to unravel. the deeper into your aloneness you go, the more you see all your self-knowledge as they are – false.
and it is scary – what you have known your entire life - false! it is so scary that much of our culture is based around this fear. social clubs, associations, political parties, and even cafés – they all exist for one thing: so one can avoid being alone. and what if we are by ourselves? then we turn to music, alcohol, the television, the internet – all to avoid being in our own company.

but the strange thing is – losing our false identity, it is a blessing. it can be scary, yes, but when we turn around and face it - when we turn our loneliness into aloneness –that is when we begin to experience what is real.
when you are alone, everything that you have disowned, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge – they begin to arise. we begin to truly know ourselves, to see the genuine. and that is not something that can be told - it has to be experienced.
comparison – the unravelling of the self
the first thing we have to know is - when we are in a crowd, we think we know who we are. you are american, vietnamese, indian. why? because you look around and there are people who look different. everyone calls you by your name, so that is who you are. everyone acknowledges your title, your job description – they call you mister, missus, madam, doctor, reverend, and that is what you think you are.

you are beautiful, because those around you are ugly. you are tall, because your neighbours are short. you are poor, because they live in mansions. you are rich, because some live in cardboard boxes.
but who you are, is not any of these. as osho said - your heart is neither european nor african, tall nor short, poor nor rich. who you are is beyond these little labels.
and when you are completely alone, there is no one to compare to. there is no false standard to measure yourself by – and that is when all these labels and false layers start to unravel. your identity, your very personality, begins to disappear.
and all our lives, that is who we think we are. our identity card, our driver’s license, and our passport. our history, our descriptions, and our reputations. our jobs and our accomplishments. and when that falls away…some people feel it a form of death. and in a way, it is.
what is left? the genuine. i can’t describe it - i haven’t gone there yet. but the deeper i have gone, the more i realise how beautiful it is. to go completely into aloneness, to find the real – i can’t think of anything i’d want more.

so, go and be alone. not lonely, just alone. accept and heal whatever bubbles to the front. throw away all your masks and your false faces. go away from society. stop being afraid of loneliness, and just be alone. let it become your mirror, the perfect mirror, to see who you really are.
and one day – when you feel ready, when you can say that you have known yourself, taken delight and found love in yourself. that is when your butterfly comes out of the chrysalis. and this process is different for everyone. how long does it take? i’ve been alone for close to a year – and there is still so much to find!
the proud and the egotistical
and comparison leads us perfectly to a question that i have been pondering for a long time: what of those who are so proud and egotistical? what is the difference between being selfish, and of being self loving?
love for oneself, for one’s totality – the heart, body, and soul - is perhaps the biggest accomplishment one can ever achieve. someone who has such love becomes joyful, peaceful, and content. it is impossible for one who knows love to be hurtful. i know a few such people - they are the most humble women and men one can ever meet.

and just as someone who loves their garden will spend hours planting roses, picking out weeds, and smelling the fragrances – so, too will such people take pleasure in who they are.
and this is the source of much confusion. there are so many people who seem to be strong, confident, but there is something wrong. you must have met such people before – outwardly strong and powerful, but when they left, they left you feeling drained or weak. what is the difference between the two?
if you look carefully, and you know what to look for, the difference is there for you to see.
i once heard: there is no neutrality in life; there is either love or hate. there is no zero in which you are simply empty. what we think of as neutrality hides a quiet contempt, a let-them-burn attitude. if you don’t love, you hate. it might be a subtle hatred or a cool dislike, but it is hatred nonetheless.
such people exude an indistinct anger and hatred. they make themselves feel better at the expense of those they come into contact with. they have boosted themselves by trampling on you. they spit on others – “i must be higher than they are if i can spit downwards” – that is their rationale. everything they have – all their self worth and power - is based on judgement and comparison, based on having someone underneath them!

vanity, egotism, and pride – they all hide a subtle unhappiness, a cleverly disguised animosity. all hatred is self-hatred – and this lies hidden underneath their actions. and that is why they belittle others. some of the overt ones rage, or yell – and it is all just an externalisation of their internal self-violence. all their strength, their confidence – just a flimsy façade.
the vain and selfish
and the second thing: their worth is based on comparison. in fact, if taken to an extreme, pride becomes a form of personality disorder – narcissism. and this is the parable that osho used to explain perfectly. all i can do is use the same story.
the story of narcissus is a well known one – a young man who was so beautiful that he fell in love with his own reflection in the water. and there lies the difference. a humble man falls in love with himself; a vain man falls in love with his reflection.

and in that reflection – the comparison we’ve been discussing. the psychology manuals list the traits of the personality disorder concretely: a modern day narcissus believes he is special, that he is more beautiful than others, that he deserves more. she is arrogant; she demands attention and constant admiration. she takes advantage of others, with total disregard for their feelings.
how egotistical! and that’s exactly what it is – pride stems from the ego. comparison strengthens it. take them away from the crowd, give them no one to compare to, and their pride and their façade falls apart. when they have no one to trample on and sneer at, the truth is revealed, the ugliness in them arises.
i remember a few beautiful women; they spent hours on their make-up and clothes, and they constantly belittled other women. they seemed to have unshakeable self confidence – but when i got to know them better, all their insecurities – often about their looks! - rose to the fore. and it didn’t make sense initially - many women would kill to look like them, most men couldn’t take their eyes off them. such empty egoistic pride – it doesn’t stand up to the test of aloneness.

love is totally different. i have heard: in love, there is no split, there is no other. the lover and the loved all melt into one. narcissus – he was split. his object of affection wasn’t himself, it was his reflection.
fake love rejects – when there is perceived imperfection, fake love kicks away. real love knows no comparison. when there is perceived imperfection, real love deepens. it holds even tighter.
know love – ego and pride, are the opposites of love. cultivate love, and watch as they dissolve.

love and aloneness - unravelling the ego and pride
心灵可以是玻璃，也可以是水晶。当一颗心，不断超越自我时，心灵世界也将不再会如玻璃般易碎，而会如水晶般明澈、坚韧。
外表美丽，不愿与人交往，也会寂寞；头脑聪明，不善控制情绪，也很危险；思维缜密，不能了解自己，也会迷惘。

记得有人说过，当你开始怀念童年的时候，就代表你长大了。我现在就在怀念童年了，怀念童年完全不为什么
“我喜欢你”这句话就像一句咒语，每每让我落荒而逃。
媒体和心理学家现在开始用一个很怪的词来形容我们这个社会中的寂寞感：他们说寂寞已经成为了一种流行病。流行病！这个字眼通常都用于称呼广泛传播的疾病的。然而，这正是现实。
统计学也证明了这一点，在许多文明国家三分之一的居民承认自己正承受着极度的寂寞。寂寞也危害到了我们的健康——一项研究表明，孤僻的男性与那些与人来往的男性相比，早逝的概率高出25%，对于女性，这个比率是33%。
问什么寂寞如此痛苦？原因有很多，但有一点我开始特别注意。寂寞更像是一种诅咒，因为我们不知道自己是谁——而这正是我们最根本的焦虑。当你独自一人的时候，你所有的自我了解，所有的自我认同，你所有的个性，你的自尊都将灰飞烟灭。你在寂寞里陷得越深，你就越觉得自己的自我认识完全是错误的。

更可怕的是，你甚至觉得对自己整个人生的了解也完全是错误的！寂寞是如此可怕，所以我们的文化基于此类的恐惧。社交俱乐部、联谊会、政党、甚至咖啡厅，这些东西的存在都只为了一件事：让我们可以避免孤身一人。如果真独自一人，我们该怎么办呢？这个时候我们求助于音乐、酒精、电视、网络——所有的一切都是为了避免让自己形影孤伶。
但奇怪的是，丢掉我们伪装之后，这也可以是一种祝福。它的确可怕，但如果我们转过头来面对它，我们就可以将寂寞升华为孤独，这个时候，我们就能体验到事物真实的一面。
当你孤身一人，所有的事物都被否定，所有你拒绝接受或面对的事情都浮现在眼前。(此时)我们开始真正了解自己，看清真相。这一点只可意会，不可言传。
对比——自我认识

我们需要知道的第一点是：当我们在人群中时，我们以为自己知道自己是谁。你是美国人，越南人，印度人。为什么呢？你环顾四周，到处都是相貌不同的人，每一个人都用你的名字称呼你。所以，这就是你。人们通过你的头衔，你的工作来认识你——他们称你为先生、夫人、女士、医生、牧师。而这就是你的自我认识。
你很美，这是因为你周围的人都丑陋；你很高，这是因为你的邻居们都矮小；你贫穷，这是因为你的邻居们住的是大厦高楼；你富有，这是因为有人住在硬纸皮的箱子里。
但你究竟是谁，这与以上这些无关。如奥修所说：你的本质既不是欧洲人也不是非洲人，既不高也不矮，既不穷也不富。你的本质与这些小标签无关。
因此，当你完全独自一人时，就不再有东西可以对比。也没有虚假的标准可以衡量你自身。也就在此时，所有的标签，所有虚假的外在都开始被剥离。。你的身份、你的个性、开始消失。

在我们的一生中，我们认为这就是我们自己：我们的身份证、我们的驾驶证、我们的护照、我们的历史、我们的简介、我们的名声、我们的工作和成就.....当这一切都消逝而去，一些人会觉得这和死亡无异。从某个角度上说，的确如此。
那么什么留下了呢？本质。我不知道如何描述这一点——我自己也没有到达这一步。但是我越深入感受，我越意识到它的美妙。彻底沉浸入孤独，就能体验到真实，这正是我最期望的。
所以，孤身前行吧，让孤独，而不是寂寞相随。丢弃你所有的伪装和假面。（让自己的心）远离尘嚣。体会孤独，不再害怕寂寞。让孤独成为自己的镜子，一面完美的镜子，让你认清真实的自己。
终有一天，你将肯定地说你了解了自己，在自我中获得愉悦和爱。那时你将化蛹为蝶。这个过程因人而异。得花多少时间？我将近花了一年，但还有如此之多的自我有待发觉。

傲慢与自负
以上（讨论）的对比很好地引入了一个我一直在思考的问题：对于那些如此自我如此自傲的人，情况又是如何呢？自私和自爱的区别又是什么呢？
自爱，就是要爱自己的全部——内心、身体、灵魂，这可能是一个人能达到的最高境界。一个真正自爱的人是快乐、平和、满足的。懂得自爱的人很难（在感情上）被伤害。我认识一些这样的人，他们是你所见过的最谦和的男人和女人。
就像一个爱自己花园的人会花上个把小时种植玫瑰，清除野草、享受花香一样，这些人也会从自我中获得愉悦。
有一点让人很迷惑，有很多人看似强大自信，但在他们身上总有地方不对劲。你一定也见过这样的人——从外表上来看坚强而有力，但当他们离开后，给你的印象却是疲惫而虚弱。这前后的矛盾究竟在哪？

如果你仔细观察，且你知道应该探寻什么，你就会找到问题的答案。
我曾经听说：生活之中并没有中立的态度，（人的感情）非爱既恨。我们所谓的中立态度其实暗含了一种隐秘的蔑视，一种“let-them-burn ”的态度。如果你不喜爱，那么你一定是憎恶。这种态度可能是一种隐约的厌恶或者是一丝淡淡的不悦，但无论如何，这是一种憎恶。
这样的人浑身散发着间接的愤怒和憎恶。他们通过损害与他们接触的人让自己感觉良好。他们通过践踏他人来振奋自我。他们贬低他人——“如果我能作贱别人，我自然就高人一等”——而这就是他们的人生准则。他们的所有，他们的自我价值和力量都基与判断和攀比，都基与那些不如他们的人！
虚荣、自负、骄傲，这些都暗含着一种微妙的不快，一种巧妙伪装的敌意。所有的憎恶都是来自于自我的憎恨，而这些都隐藏在他们的一举一动之中。这就是为什么他们看不起别人。发火或者咆哮，这些行为都仅仅是他们内在的自我暴力的外化。他们所有的力量和信心，仅仅只是一层薄薄的外壳。

空虚和自私
第二点：他们的价值是基于攀比。实际上，如果把这一点推到极致，骄傲就是一种人性的失调——自我陶醉。
那西塞斯的故事人尽皆知——一个俊美的少年爱上了自己的水中倒影。（现实中）不同的地方在于，一个谦虚的人爱上的是他自己，而一个虚荣的人爱上的却是自己的倒影。
而这个倒影之中——我们之前已经讨论过攀比这个因素。心理学手册详细地罗列出了人格扭曲的各种特征：现代的那西塞斯认为自己是特别的，他比别人更美，他应该得到更多。她开始傲慢，她需要得到瞩目和持续的赞誉。她开始利用他人而不再在乎别人的感受。
这是多么得自我中心啊！骄傲源自自负。而攀比则强化了这种情绪。如果把他们带离人群，让他们无人可比，那么他们的骄傲就会被摔得粉碎。当他们无人可以踩踏和嘲笑的时候，真相就显而易见了，他们内在的丑陋就会暴露。

我想起了一些美貌的女人。她们每天花上好几个小时在自己的化妆和衣服上，而且她们也不停地轻视别的女人。她们看起来似乎有不可动摇的信心，但当我更多地了解她们之后发现，在她们所有的不安中，外貌竟然排在第一位！这初看起来毫无意义——很多女人宁死也要自己长得像她们，大部分男人压根就没法把自己的目光从她们身上挪开。这种自我中心的骄傲是如此的空虚，压根就经不起孤独的考验。
自爱则不同，我曾经听说过：自爱不会有，也不会有别的东西。爱人者和被爱者是融为一体的。那西塞斯把自己开了。他的迷上的并不是他自己，而是他的倒影。
当察觉到瑕疵时，虚假的自爱会抗拒，会想方设法摆脱。而真正的自爱的人不会去攀比，当他们察觉到不完美的地方时，他们会爱得更深，更紧。

懂得自爱，应该明白自负和骄傲都是自爱的对立面。学会爱自己，当自负和骄傲消逝的时候，你就能看到了。
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